LAW 1: No matter how bad your last
shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole,
since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a
tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by
your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number
of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be
proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the
greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does,
the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the
universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems
himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate
golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works
against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the
clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than
anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist
of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS
agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly,
"tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one
who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your
score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the
sunset.
The Pope met with the
College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader
of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to
determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf
match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his
life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack
Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was
honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of
his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon
Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
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A man is stranded on a
desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.
He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he
thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a
raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet
suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been
since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out
a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that
good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a
flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet
suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real
fun?"
And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
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A couple of old guys were
golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in
the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is
that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a
shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the
stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't
hurt."
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After a particularly poor game of
golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go
home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman
stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about
twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off
the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the
highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of
control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck
couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are
you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my
right thumb."
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A young man who was also an avid
golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if
he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to
head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto
the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing
alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball
far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally,
they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough
shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly
between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally
said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the
ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on
the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that
pine tree was only three feet tall."
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A golfer, playing a round by himself,
is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells,
"Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"
"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit
it into the water?"
"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore
is, and spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it
with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it
gets dark?"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can
never lose this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman.
"Where did you get it?"
"I found it."
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A pastor, a doctor and an
engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of
golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
[dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their
sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them
play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and
see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
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Joe decides to take his boss Phil to
play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are
often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe
offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets
about half of the way there stops and jogs back.
His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and
the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and
started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing
to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned
around.
Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"
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Four married guys go golfing on
Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come
out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint
every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build
her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy
has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about
what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the
deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the
foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."
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The problems with golf
The only problem with golf is that the slow
people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
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A country club didn't
allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they
decided to allow women on the course during the week.
The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club, and
became active. After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the
women's club complaining about the men urinating on the golf course. Naturally,
they just ignored the matter. After another 6 months, they received another
letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action. After due
deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been
granted equal privileges!
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A couple of women were
playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and
watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing
the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped
his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to
apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to
help ease his "pain."
"Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo,
I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in
the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to
massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "does that feel better?" The man looked up at her
and replied, "yes, that feels pretty good ... but my thumb still hurts like
hell!"
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Four guys who worked
together always golfed as a group at 7 a.m. Sunday. But one of them got
transferred, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.
A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?"
They were hesitant but said she could come once to try it. She said "Good, I'll
be there at 6:30 or quarter to seven."
She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a
7-under-par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse
congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The
guys happily invited her back the next week and she said "Sure, I'll be here at
6:30 or quarter to 7."
Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played
left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the
guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps.
They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "how do you
know if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" She said "That's
easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who
sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed;
if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed."
A guy asked "what if it's pointed straight up?"
She said "Then I'll be here at nine o'clock."
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A man went to a strange town to be
the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found
he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby
golf course from the clerk.
While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became
confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing
ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she
knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a
hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the
same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must
be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and
went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He
asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales
lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a
drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales
profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No I wouldn't."
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell sanitary towels."
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so
I'm still a hole behind you!"
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Two women were put
together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the
first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?"
"Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up
with her.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"
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A foursome of ladies
came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro
asked them "How did your game go?"
The first said she had a good round with 25 riders. The second said she did OK
with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders.
The fourth was
disappointed and said that she played badly with only two riders.
The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his
ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time. He then
approached Jerry the bartender and asked "Jerry, can you tell me what does this
term 'riders' mean?" Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you have
hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.
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An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to one of the most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband.
Nearby was a very well known golf
course.
On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. Upon
her return, the young niece asked,
"Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?"
"Oh, yes, indeed," said Auntie, beaming. "Before I had walked very far, I came
to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about,
mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I
took no notice. There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering
curious excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way,"
she added, as she held out her hands, "I found a number of these curious little
round white balls, so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you
could explain what they're all about."
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Copyright © 1981
[Aussie-Video-Slots]. All rights reserved.
Jokes from http://www.ahajokes.com
Revised: 08/03/08. Roger Clutten